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Longing To Be a Mom
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There was a day when I thought I’d never be a mom. Most days, I could laugh and love life. My life was beautiful. I had married a wonderful man who loved me. We had a good marriage. He was my best friend. It was more than I had hoped for, even when it was hard.

Those days I felt brave when I thought about the empty places in our family. And there was always that hope that someday, maybe things would be different. Maybe someday, our family could be complete. Hope makes it easier to be brave.

But there were other days. Days when we barely made the rent payment and another birthday came and went without any sign of better times or of a little one of our own to hold. It was harder to be brave then. Hope felt like it flickered sometimes in the cold face of reality.

Then there was the day that I stopped dreaming of motherhood someday. It was the day when I faced the reality that our circumstances might mean that having a baby would never happen—ever.

That day I gulped back hot tears that kept overflowing at the worst times and wrote a little note in my journal that our happiness was not dependent upon children, but that it didn’t make it any easier to accept the fact that we would probably never have our own. That day I let myself grieve the death of a dream. It was the one time I wrote about it. And then, I tried to go on. I tried to embrace what I had, not what I didn’t. It was hard sometimes. But time made it a little better.

Guilt

I felt guilty. I felt guilty for grieving when life was beautiful and I should be grateful. Then I felt guilty for not grieving as much as I thought I would. It is funny how guilt works.

Last Sunday, I reached a milestone. It was the milestone of reaching week 35 in my first pregnancy—a pregnancy I thought I’d never get to experience. I cried again, this time because I realized that sometimes, God surprises us with the fulfillment of dreams we have long since given up on.

The timing, and a lot about life right now is not how I expected it would be. And yet, somehow I know it is perfect. This was how it was meant to be. So every day, I feel thankful. I feel like I’ve been given yet another lesson in hope and contentment.

God may not always choose to give us the answers we want or fulfill the dreams we cherish the most. But I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that when our hopes flicker and our dreams begin to die, there is one thing we can count on: God knows and cares about our disappointments.

It might not be how we always expected, but we can trust that God will make all things beautiful in His time. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

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By Chantel Brankshire. Copyright © 2013 by GraceNotes. All rights reserved. Use of this material is subject to usage guidelines.


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