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Not Mine, His

Photo: Sebastian Czapnik

I close the laptop and rub my forehead in frustration. I feel like my life works around a pattern. A very unpleasant pattern that consists of me making plans, getting way too excited about them, and leaving God completely out of the equation. The only thing that gets me out of my pattern is usually a slap in the face, which came today in the form of a very negative bank statement.

It’s a lesson I never learn, it’s not like this hasn't happened before. My mind flashes back to a couple years ago when my favorite artist was releasing a new album. I got really excited, the unhealthy kind of excited, and stayed up past midnight in order to download the album. In the middle of the download, my computer completely shuts off. I should have gotten the message: I was making this album far too important; I was making it a god. But, I did not exactly ‘get the message’. I restarted the computer and tried again.

When I make a plan, not many things can end my resolution to make it come true. In the end, after having bought the album twice and the computer dying, twice, I took a step back and looked at myself. It was nearly 2 a.m and I was showing complete devotion to my plans, more than I had ever shown God. I managed to get the album, but decided that I could wait a few days to listen to it, and spend some time with the real God.

Obsessing Over My Plans

Flash back to the present, and here I am doing it again. Obsessing over my plans for the summer, desperately trying to make money in order to do all that I want to do, never once asking God what His plans for my summer are. I needed that slap today, that negative bank account, in order to take that step back and realize what’s really important.

Fortunately for my pattern and me, God has a pattern of His own. It consists of forgiving me and showing me endless love, no matter how many times I mess up. Two years ago, His pattern led to Him allowing me to listen to the album through a friend of mine who played it in his car. I remember leaning back in the seat and shaking my head with a smile on my face, thinking to myself God, you love me too much. Today, that album contains my favorite Christian song, and never fails to remind me how strong God’s love is. And, today, His pattern cleared the negatives in my bank account.

Did I deserve a happy ending? Absolutely not. But I learned today that God does not wish to deny me the things I want, His only wish is to be in my life, making far better plans for me than I could ever make for myself. I pray that I remember to not focus on my plans or my pattern, but His. I pray that I remember what Proverbs 16: 3 says: “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.”

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By Raquel Levy. Copyright © 2010 by GraceNotes. All rights reserved. Use of this material is subject to usage guidelines. Scripture taken from the NEW KING JAMES VERSION © 1982.

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